Don't Aim for Ordinary.

Am I the only person who plans out their life, just a little? I know I'm not. I'm not alone in the daydreams of future loves, not alone in thinking of names for children I am years from seriously considering having, not alone in making a map in my mind of my career and what and where it will lead to. I know this, because I've heard it from other people. This is part of us, and we love to plan. We can't wait to get to where our plans end, but at the same time, we can. Our plans give us this vague sense of a control that we think we have over what happens to us. They are the lives we hope will unfold, and what we strive to achieve. But what about when our plans fail? Because they do fail, all the time. Our lives are in constant crumble, our hopes and dreams often pushed to the side. And we try to salvage what little control we can save as the rest slips out of our reach and into the abyss of uncertainty. 

But really, isn't all control out of our reach? We may have our careers. I, a massage therapist, love my job. I love that I get to go to work and help people out of stress and discomfort, using what gifts God has given me to allow others to relax from a hectic life. But I am not in control of my career. If I am in a car accident, and my hand gets amputated, my career is finished. I'm not saying I'll change careers, or never set foot in a car again. But the more I think about this, the more I come to realize that I have no control. Not a smidgen. It's God who balances me and keeps me from harm. I trust that I will be able to do the work I do because I deeply believe He's called me to it, so how could I fail, if I am relying on Him? And if I do arrive at a point I'm unable to work, as hard as that would be, my hope is that in that moment I would understand that a portion of my story was over, and it's time to pray for a new mission. 

God is in control. This is a phrase that is spoken so often yet so easily pushed aside, or even cringed at. We want to be in control. But our souls desire for God to be. My life is not everything I want it to be, according to my past plans. I'm 23. When I was 16, my plan for the stage of life I'm currently lingering in involved a long white dress and a glittery bit on my finger. But alas, here I am still, with no sign of marriage on the horizon. This is a hard place. This is not my plan. I feel like a child often, and I feel like I should feel like an adult. Adults always have their lives under control, right? Right.

Lately, God and I have been having a little tug-of-war. Or, more accurately, I'm a toddler trying to take something away from a grown person. Sometimes, He gives me a little bit, because I ask so much and so hard. He watches me take it with pride and trip and fall over my pride, and He picks me up and holds my hands again. He already has the control. I'm just here, tugging on His pant leg and wailing for what I think should be mine. Don't I know enough to control it all myself? Am I not big enough to make my own path? Actually, most prayers consist of me pleading for something He hasn't yet given me. If He really loves me, He'll give me a more romantic life. (Because that's what it's all about, right?) If He really loves me, He'll bless me and fill my live with adventure. 

It's funny how obsessed we are with adventure. It's all around us. But we're too busy planning to see it. Adventure that comes from Christ beckons at every turn, but if it takes us off the route we prefer and have planned out, we won't give it a second glance to show us just how wonderful it could be. My desired plan, career, marriage, children, is also wonderful. I'm not planning on falling away from God or turning from the law or being hurt. My plan is not bad. But it's not God's plan, because I've been fighting God while trying to pursue it. And God's plan is wonderful beyond my wildest dreams (making it hard to imagine, and hard for me to plan out). That's the plan I want to want, because I do know that it would be wonderful. Hard and wonderful. This is where trusting God comes in more powerfully than ever before. And it's a big trust. Yet, when I think of the hard, it makes me not want it quite as much. I feel like it's easier just to go with the flow, follow what I want, and not to draw attention to myself.  

Jesus, forgive me. I pull away from His plan constantly, and often without meaning to. I want my dreams to happen, and I want them to happen now. But still God says wait. Even in my tantrums, He is in control. I want my desires to line up with His, for my plan to become His. I'm better at this some days than others, and know I'll never be perfect at it as long as I live in this fallen world. But just maybe Christ has more for me than the ordinary. We will never know the extraordinary if we aim for the ordinary.